By: Courtney Mount
To those who just received a diagnosis about your precious child, my heart hurts with you… I want to reach out and hug you. I want to offer suggestions and care, but mainly I want to say that you are not alone. I too have heard those words… In some ways, I remember that day well. In other ways, my mind is foggy, covering the pain and confusion with a cloudy mist. On that day, the doctor told me, “I’m sorry, it looks like your daughter has cancer.”
My chest felt like it would explode as tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted to scream, “No! You must be wrong!” But I also realized that, after months of worry, I finally understood what was making my baby so sick. I remember begging Jesus to take this away from my girl. Constantly questioning, “WHY? Why would you allow this Lord? Why her? Why us?”
Yet as much as I wrestled with the questions, I also rested in the calm assurance that Jesus loved her more than I did. I remember standing with open hands lifted to him, praying for a miracle for my girl. I recall the overwhelming feeling that God would heal my daughter, but that it might very well be in heaven. As the year progressed, and I watched my baby go through so many painful things, my prayer was, “Lord please heal her and allow her to tell with her own lips of your goodness. But if her healing comes in heaven, I will tell her story—your story—myself.”
As a mama, those were the hardest words and the deepest thoughts I had ever contended with. I wanted her healed here on earth. I wanted her with me for years to come. As a Christian though, I had to remember that Heaven is not something she had to be kept safe from. It is where we hope all our children will be at the end of their lives. In heaven, she has no more pain, no more sorrow, no more trauma from cancer. At three and a half years old, the Lord called her home. As she closed her eyes to her family praying and whispering over her, “Run to Jesus baby girl,” she opened her eyes to the face of our Savior. She is forever free from the trappings of this world. My worst day was her best day…the day she met Jesus.
I am praying that if you have heard those terrifying words, if you have felt this pain, if you have released your little one back to Jesus, that you may also feel God’s peace in your life even as you walk through grief and loss.
Courtney is a mama walking through grief by sharing her daughter Millie's story, which she reminds us is ultimately HIS story. She continually chooses to declare “All Glory to God.” Courtney also serves as a member of Praying Through ministries' Child Loss Prayer Team. Connect with her on her Facebook.